unreasonable

I used to be, like many of us, in a virtual community which was the closest approximation I’ve ever known of what a functional social circle is actually supposed to look like.

When it was at the height of its activity (say… 2006?) we would have posts every few days titled, Am I being irrational? Someone would post about a situation that was bothering them, usually to do with a significant other or a friendship triangle of some sort, and the rest of us would chime in with yes/no, advice, and our own questions of a similar nature.

I wish often that I could go back to that near-anonymity of that format. Writing out something that is so sensational to you in a scan-friendly format to a bunch of strangers who have never met you or the other people in question is an exercise in processing as well as in writing, and the knowledge that people are going to be relatively kind but nonetheless brutally honest is sobering. Often I would start to write, realize the answer was yes, and close the window.

These days if I want to ask that question, I am left to rely mostly on myself.

And I am pretty damn biased.

But it’s not pure selfishness. I am simply scared – mostly of letting myself be treated unfairly like I spent all of my high school years doing.

I feel that I would rather be unreasonable than be lied to.
I would rather be unreasonable than unprepared.
I would rather be unreasonable than hurt.

Basically, I am on the defensive. Every second of every day.

And in the end this boils down to, I would rather be alone and miserable because at least I know what awaits me in those waters.

And that’s when I need to bend the ear of a perfect stranger. Isn’t it strange that with the internet being exponentially larger every second of every day, this is becoming an almost impossible thing to find?

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About Varia

Traveler, writer.
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