cynicism, or being a bad person

I feel a bit guilty that I never feel happy when someone I know announces an engagement, wedding, pregnancy or birth. And not because “oh my god everyone is getting married, I feel so old”, nor from a place of “why is everyone doing this except me? What’s wrong with me?” I don’t feel old and I don’t feel the need to be married. 

Instead I just feel a vague sense of disappointment. Another person lost to the marriage and babies life path. Another person tied more and more closely to their “partner” who will inevitably disappoint and/or hurt them. 

I’m really struggling these days to see the point of marriage, beyond the big party in the big white dress (and the financial advantages, blah blah blah). Do people still really believe the “pledging your commitment to the person you love forever” bullshit? Marriage is obviously not forever. If 50% of married couples get divorced, then you’re just sinking money, time, and emotional energy into a big hoopla that has a one in two chance of failure. What the fuck kind of odds are those?

It just seems like people get so caught up in the romance and whirlwind of emotion that accompanies the engagement, marriage & honeymoon period. Probably the relationship is getting a bit stale, so to infuse it with some excitement someone pops the question. That practically guarantees happiness, fun and butterflies for, let’s say, 2 years. And then what? 

I realize that this all sounds like one extremely bitter cynical rant. It’s just that I’m at the age in Russia where it’s almost too late to get married, so that expectation has been weighing a lot on my mind lately. I don’t even want to move in with anyone ever, let alone get married, let alone have children. And I’m sick of being regarded as some sort of reckless wildchild for it. I’m just a regular 24-year-old person. And I consider myself to be winning every time I see another one lost to the marriage machine. 



About Varia

Traveler, writer.
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