It’s quite paralyzing to know that every decision you make, and every action that you take, will be followed by a crushing wave of self-doubt.
That’s why I’ve always felt safest in administrative jobs – you can either do data entry and filing right or wrong. That’s why I’ve always liked academia – you get a grade at the end of the day and you know exactly where you are, what you did well, what you didn’t, and you know that you have another chance to improve down the road.
Jobs like this, like planning… situations like my life at the moment… I guess life is difficult in that sense for everyone – nobody can be a hundred percent positive in their decisions and their actions. But dealing with a constant sidekick of self-criticism is a handicap that is fucking hard to overcome. It spoils every situation. The nagging question at the back of your head – “what if I did the wrong thing?” It takes the fun out of every. fucking. thing.
And all I can do is keep going.
