I realized this morning that I look at myself in sections. I wake up in the morning, turn sideways to the mirror and look at my stomach – how bad is it today? Then I put on my pants and stand facing the mirror head-on: are my thighs touching or not? (Sigh of relief if not. Though they look a bit closer together than yesterday…) Next I do my face: contact lenses, walk up close to the mirror, concealer, foundation, mascara. Then a total shift to hair and I focus entirely on flattening down all the poufy bits and making it look half-decent. Put on shoes. Turn around and see if my butt looks ok in these pants. Head to work and repeat the process in the bathroom.
I realized today that I actually have no idea, and barely any capability to see, what all the sections actually look like when they’re combined. Once in a while I get caught by a camera and then I know – and I peek at the picture through my fingers, afraid to see a harsh angle that makes my legs look three times the size I would like. The way I see myself is purely in pieces – and I have no idea how to make the picture whole. Or maybe I’m too afraid to.